Result number Two!

This one is thanks to something Kirin wrote - she inexplicably sent me this first paragraph (which I did some minor editing on), so I just as inexplicably wrote a story!



"I like ducks," he said with great earnestness. "But did you know ducks belong to the sub family Anatinae? Not only is this grouping the largest group of waterfowl, it is also the most diverse." His beady eyes shone brightly in the harsh light. "The characteristics generally held in common by ducks when compared to geese and swans are the small body size, shorter necks, narrower wings which are more pointed, and wing beats which are more rapid." He seemed to have reached some conclusion, but I couldn't figure out what.
I blinked. This was not what I had expected. I blinked a few more times so I'd remember what it was like. 'Sharky' was supposed to be a brutal killer, not - well, not this. Not some sort of nature freak. I looked at my watch. Bedtime was long gone. Hell, I don't even go home anymore, so there's not much point talking about it. I sleep at my desk, when I can, and make up for the rest with coffee. Well, and other things. Our evidence room fills up quickly, so I help clean it out once in a while.
I turned back to Sharky, who was eagerly smiling at me. That was a little strange, sure - most fellas don't smile when they're under police interrogation. And most don't file their teeth into sharp points, either. But I honestly couldn't find anything criminally wrong with him - he was odd, sure, but then, so are most folks.
"So, let's go over this again - you have no idea why another squirrel's paw was found in your car?"
His bushy tail twitched a little. That made me nervous - I thought he might be ready to jump at me. I was glad I'd tied him down. Sure, that was illegal, but he was crazy. I doubt he'd even noticed.
"Well, sir, did you know that ducks are also warm-blooded? It's true! Modern scientists agree that class Aves, of which all Anatidae are members, is most likely descended from dinosaurs! And ducks have gizzards! Truly incredible!"
There were better ways to spend my time. I imagined a lengthy examination of my eyelids, from the backside. Yeah. That sounded nice. I put a paw to my forehead. My hat felt a little crooked, so I pushed it into place. It never sat quite right over my ears.
"Alright," I started, "I like ducks as much as the next guy -"
"And what's even more incredible," he continued, "is the taste."
"Wait - what did you just say?" I wasn't sure I'd heard him right.
He actually looked at me - like he noticed I'd spoken. That was new. "Oh, yes! Their skin is so crispy and fatty and greasy and hot and drippy and...", he was starting to pant, "oh, it's so good."
My stomach started up, trying to squeeze itself dry. I held myself together. I'd seen worse. "You eat ducks? After all they've done for us?"
He seemed not to notice. "Oh, they have a special term just for roast duck in China. They aren't shy. They know just what they want. They call it kaoya - literally, flamed duck. I highly recommend it."
I decided not to bring my associates in just yet - they were dependable mallards, but there was only one of me, and they'd probably try to kill this guy. I might not be the best cop, but I don't kill anyone I don't have to. Or let it happen. Well, not yet.
"So," I started, cautiously, "why do you eat ducks? Is it just the flavor?"
"Oh, I suppose." He looked around like he was stumped. "That's really all there is to it." He licked his lips.
"Don't you - ." I wasn't sure how to say this. "Aren't they a lot like you and me? They fought on our side in the war, remember?" We wouldn't have won without them - together, we'd been able to banish the dogs to the coldest, most hellish parts of the world.
"How silly. Of course they're like you and me."
"Well, then...then, why are you eating them?" I realized I was almost happy about all this - I could bust this freak for something! I wondered if I should feel ashamed.
"I just said. They're a lot like you and me. Do they not have the same blood pumping through their veins? Are they not made of flesh, just as we are? Are they not delicious?"
That hand in his car took on a new meaning. "Are you saying," I grimaced, "that you eat squirrels, too?"
"Hey, winters get long, man. You don't know what it's like out there. Squirrel's got to look out for himself. You know that. you were in the war, just like me, right?"
"Damnit! I don't know about you, but me and my guys, we took care of each other. Like brothers! We weren't fucking cannibals!" He'd gotten to me. That bastard was really smiling now - those knife-edged teeth of his gleamed in the harsh light, and I wondered if that's what he used - it probably was. I guess he wasn't called 'Sharky' for nothing.
"Oh. Well, enough about you. Did you also - "
I cracked my fist into the side of his head. Little needles shot up my arm, and he reeled back like a punching bag. He careened right back to me like one, too, due to my fine ropework.
He started drooling, and his eyes got distant. "I saw God once, you know." He looked ecstatic, even though he was drooling a little blood. I just clobbered this guy - what the hell was wrong with him?
"He understands me. He said I was special. He showed me the way."
I was more bewildered now than angry. What was he getting at? Was he really going to tell me something useful, or was this just more babble? I had enough to charge him with something already.
"He told me something else special, too." He looked at me, like a child would look at its father - seeking approval, admiration in his bright eyes. "If you force them to eat, and eat, and eat - a miracle happens."
He was rubbing his paws together through the ropes, and his eyes wandered like lazy summer bees. I let him continue.
"After a while, they get sick. And then, you take out their liver, and - " my eyes must've widened, because his suddenly darted to me, "and it is so, so good."
I couldn't keep quiet. I had to know. "...What you're saying...let me get this straight. You force-feed ducks, and, when it starts to kill them, you pull out their liver? Just like that? How many times -"
"Oh, it's nothing. There's a special term for this, too - it's called pate. It's really easy!"
I kicked his chair over. He crashed to the floor, and I smiled, knowing I would crush his worthless skull. I had a sudden vision, of cleaning his evil, splattered brains - his evil thoughts - off my boots with a hose. Then the door burst open.
"Sir! Are -" They started, but then stopped when they saw me. Damnit. It was the mallards, too. They froze.
"Boys. This -" I pointed at the floor. I couldn't call that thing a squirrel. "This thing, here, has...shit, he's evil."
He seemed to have recovered himself - or at least, to have returned to whatever was normal for him - and he looked right at the ducks. His eyes lit up, he smiled, and even though he was on his side, strapped to a chair, he started chanting, "pate. pate. pate. pate. pate..."
The mallards looked at me nervously. "Sir? What is he -"
I hung my head. "Boys, you're not gonna like this. There's a reason you never hear that term. It's a special term for...well, for your liver. After it's diseased and fatty."
"But why -"
He kept chanting, quietly but insistently, filling the short moments of silence. "Some sick bastard must've decided to eat it a long time ago. I've heard about it. He must've liked it, too, because it was considered a delicacy."
Sgt. Plume, the older one, cocked his long neck back. Officer Scutt just looked dazed.
"Look, I'm done here. We need to lock this guy up, have a look around his place. I get the feeling he's done a few things we'd like to know about."
Smiling a little, Sgt. Plume said, "like, or need to know?"
"Yeah, you're right." I nodded. "Who wants to know this stuff?"
They moved in, and I walked out. My tail was spasming a little - time to go find a fix.
I had to wonder, and not for the first time, why I get so many of these nutcases. Yeah, those ducks like to say it's because I'm a squirrel, but I'm tired of it anyway. I'm tired of cracking them open. Well, this one isn't going anywhere yet. Maybe, for once, I can get some shut-eye. Yeah. They can handle things for a while. I'll just check up on the old place. Just a little nap. Not too long....