Wednesday, February 15, 2006

Some British journal I found in the attic....

Journal Entry
15th January, 7:30 AM
A thought occurs to me - "why can't butter spread itself?" A very good question, indeed. After some consideration, it occurs to me that there are, in fact, things that do spread themselves. Fire, for example, or disease.

9:00 AM
Spent the last hour and a half attempting various mixtures of butter and fire. Most were failures. However, science is not discouraged by failure, and I did eventually have some success. It seems that when the butter is not set on fire, but rather heated by it, it gains the attribute of spreadability - at least, in part. There does not seem to be more butter than before, as there is when fire spreads, but some degree of spreadability is transferable, as evidenced by the fact that my toast was buttered without my needing to use a knife. However, the toast cannot share this attribute. It merely burns.

12:00 PM
I expected success in my further experiments, but have so far had mostly abject failures and one result that only barely qualifies as otherwise. The failures I will not detail at this time, for success is what matters. Encouraged by my results in mixing butter with fire, I next turned to jelly. I tried as many combinations of jelly and fire as there can possibly be and was dismally disappointed. The best I attained was a result very similar to that of the butter - the jelly became runny, and managed to spread itself. However, warm, watery jelly is not in the least appetizing. I decide to repeat the admixture of fire and toast again. It still burns, but now smells of jelly.

5:00 PM
I have been negligent! Other substances do spread on their own, and I even detailed one in my earlier entry! Encouraged by this thought, I have mixed the remainder of the jelly with the influenza, obtained from one of my dying servants. So far nothing very much appears to be happening, but I have gambled all my jelly on this in desperation. I certainly wish I hadn't, for I simply cannot go without jellied toast to-morrow morning, and I refuse to manually spread anything now that I know it can be done for me. If there is no great payoff, I suppose I will have to ask a servant to perform this menial task for me.

9:00 PM
Still nothing. I suppose I shall have to call it a night. On the morn, after toast, perhaps I shall make more attempts.



- Sorry, guys, but this journal seems to end here. I am thinking his experiment sort of worked.

Helpful hints for ruling the world

If you're planning to conquer the world, don't come looking to me for advice. That sort of thing is best left to professionals. However, if you do find yourself somehow in possession of a world, or actually manage to conquer one, (which I must add is considered a serious breech of etiquette in some circles), then I believe you should at least run it well.

Many will say that running the world is hard work; if you actually try it, you will find that to be absolutely correct. For every person on Earth, there are problems, and, as Emperor (or Empress, though I am certain the first will be a man), you are ultimately responsible for all of them. There are endless problems, but only one of you; one might ask what one is to do in such a situation. The answer is to outsource, of course. It works for business, and it will work for you. There are many qualified individuals who will jump at the chance to rule the world for very little pay - leaving you with far more leisure time. Some of them might decide to go their own way after getting some experience. Fortunately, there are many, many potential applicants for this position, and one who does not properly appreciate his job or loyalties to you can easily be replaced. It is a simple and ancient plan, but with a proven formula, after all: they do the work, you get the benefits. If they misstep or show a troubling lack of strict obedience, you need only berate their incompetence, and then have them removed & replaced. One hardly even need to pay attention, the system runs itself so well.


There is another matter I would like to bring to your attention. I think you'll agree with me when I say, there are a great many people who do very little to contribute to your glorious Empire. The solution that most immediately springs to mind is to imprison, execute, or press into military service those individuals. However, I have one convenient trick that not only will better employ these people, but make administration run brook-smooth throughout your holdings. Presumably you speak English. It would be wise for you to choose your own language as the language of law, governance, and trade. This might seem problematic, but here's the trick: all the people you will need to implement this already have been trained. Not only that, they have done it themselves, at their own cost. How could this be? Who are these strange individuals who seem to have foreseen a need for their skills? A bit of thought will reveal the answers. To teach English throughout your Empire, and to teach and practice law, what two groups will be needed? Simply, teachers and lawyers. Teachers being in short supply, though, you will settle for the next best thing: English majors, who are as plentiful as sunlight. It is not clearly understood just why so many have selected to receive this training, but that's really no concern of yours - all that matters is that they do exist, bounteously. There has also been a surplus of lawyers for years now, and it would be wise of you to use this surplus to your advantage. Neither group contributes much currently to your Empire's well-being, and the lawyers probably are detrimental to it. Sending these to all ends of the Earth can only help you so long as you assign them to perform their chosen professions, and they do so dutifully. They will teach your chosen language, and run your legal system, everywhere on Earth. It is a beautiful solution since, like all good solutions, it solves many problems at once.


You see? There are a great many things one can do in order to run an Empire smoothly and without much hassle, though I have only briefly detailed two here. If I feel it will be especially appreciated or useful, perhaps I will reveal more in future writings. But until then, it would most benefit you to study your tactics and strategy; that is, if you are serious in your aims of conquering the world. Until next time.