Some British journal I found in the attic....

Journal Entry
15th January, 7:30 AM
A thought occurs to me - "why can't butter spread itself?" A very good question, indeed. After some consideration, it occurs to me that there are, in fact, things that do spread themselves. Fire, for example, or disease.

9:00 AM
Spent the last hour and a half attempting various mixtures of butter and fire. Most were failures. However, science is not discouraged by failure, and I did eventually have some success. It seems that when the butter is not set on fire, but rather heated by it, it gains the attribute of spreadability - at least, in part. There does not seem to be more butter than before, as there is when fire spreads, but some degree of spreadability is transferable, as evidenced by the fact that my toast was buttered without my needing to use a knife. However, the toast cannot share this attribute. It merely burns.

12:00 PM
I expected success in my further experiments, but have so far had mostly abject failures and one result that only barely qualifies as otherwise. The failures I will not detail at this time, for success is what matters. Encouraged by my results in mixing butter with fire, I next turned to jelly. I tried as many combinations of jelly and fire as there can possibly be and was dismally disappointed. The best I attained was a result very similar to that of the butter - the jelly became runny, and managed to spread itself. However, warm, watery jelly is not in the least appetizing. I decide to repeat the admixture of fire and toast again. It still burns, but now smells of jelly.

5:00 PM
I have been negligent! Other substances do spread on their own, and I even detailed one in my earlier entry! Encouraged by this thought, I have mixed the remainder of the jelly with the influenza, obtained from one of my dying servants. So far nothing very much appears to be happening, but I have gambled all my jelly on this in desperation. I certainly wish I hadn't, for I simply cannot go without jellied toast to-morrow morning, and I refuse to manually spread anything now that I know it can be done for me. If there is no great payoff, I suppose I will have to ask a servant to perform this menial task for me.

9:00 PM
Still nothing. I suppose I shall have to call it a night. On the morn, after toast, perhaps I shall make more attempts.



- Sorry, guys, but this journal seems to end here. I am thinking his experiment sort of worked.